One of the biggest devices to get excited about is a new phone. New models have a giddy appeal. We get excited about all the new features we have access to.
Some people take the time to research safety though. What if their phone breaks? What if it gets stolen? We start to look in the terms and conditions for how long the manufacturer will fix it and under what situations. We’re left satisfied with a couple years warranty that covers all accidents.
But there is one warranty that the manufacturer can never provide. And one we never look into.
The biggest accident we have to be careful of is how phones can damage our real relationships with others.
The Gambling Lever
Let me clarify something. I’m not saying let’s abandon technology and go back to the Dark Ages. Technology provides an amazing amount of comfort and opportunity. I wouldn’t be able to share my ideas right now without it! Most create a bifurcation of camps towards technology into either strengthening our lives or ruining them. But I don’t think there’s anything inherently bad or good about any piece of personal technology. It’s just a tool at the end of the day.
But how that tool gets used is important. Many praise technology for connecting the world, and rightfully so. I’m glad I can FaceTime my relatives on the other side of the globe. But it’s important to understand there’s a difference between the world being connected, and us being connected.
Dopamine is one of the prime chemicals of our happiness. It’s our motivator to eat, drink, sleep, and pursue our goals. It’s an important part of our neuro-biology to reward ourselves for the right behavior patterns. Otherwise we’d never build habits.
The problem is that we can also be rewarded with dopamine for bad behaviors. And in a quick and nearly effortless way. This creates a stage of addiction. This is what forces an alcoholic to the bottle or a gambling addict to a casino. The ease of getting a big hit for instant gratification is too great to turn down, so we rely on that action.
And do you remember that sensation you get from getting a text or social media like from someone? Technology can provide that same instant gratification.
At least with other addictive behaviors we have age restrictions. But technology is the dopamine lever with no lock. And we encourage our youth to use it.
Again, the technology isn’t the problem. Alcohol and gambling aren’t problems. It’s how we use them. When was the last time you heard your phone beep/vibrate but didn’t even pull it out because you were doing something more important or with someone else? It’s worth considering the impact to one’s development when they have unlimited access to something that could cause compulsive behavior.
The Connection Paradox
We generally regard addiction as an unhealthy behavior pattern. The reason is that it realigns your focus and resources towards receiving the dopamine hit. As a consequence, other valuable aspects of our lives get short-changed. Long-term goals, health and wellness, but most of all our relationships.
Most relationships are built from 2 other chemicals of happiness called Serotonin and Oxytocin, which Simon Sinek discussed in his talk Leaders Eat Last. These chemicals are responsible for what we consider leadership/mentoring and love, respectively. They actually stunt addictive behavior due to their strength and permanence.
The problem is that they take a long time to build up. On the other hand, dopamine is instantaneous and often found easier. So we gravitate towards that behavior.
Technology can provide higher rates of communication than ever before. But the chemical signals it gives off cannot replace those of real, deep human interaction. Those are necessary aspects of human connection. It’s fine if we build towards that point. And technology has provided many gateways for this to unfold.
But when you go outside, how often do you see people with earbuds on? How often do you see people pull out their phones in elevators? Or even message other people when they’re with their friends in restaurants?
Not only are we removing the small gaps we have to open ourselves up to new experiences and people, but we don’t even interact with the people we are around. Because the first thing we want to do when there’s social tension is go on our phones. It’s a safety net. But this behavior is the addiction pattern. It’s the thing that we can’t stay away from. If we feel the need to have our phones on the dinner table, face up or face down, are we truly focused on that person with us? Why should we need our devices in peripheral view if we won’t use them anyways?
We can talk to people more than we could. But what’s the point if when the talk really matters, we avoid it?
Filling The Hole
There is one upside though. Oxytocin is powerful enough to virtually eradicate compulsive behavior. The feeling of fulfillment and meaning it provides is so great that we’re able to hold on to that and focus on other people instead of our own pursuit.
Imagine waking up each day with invigoration and energy. Nothing but gratitude and compassion for those around you and the people in your life. What they and the world have contributed to get you there. Imagine how that energy and fulfillment would carry you through the rest of the day.
The truth is though, most of us just wake up each day and immediately check our phones. We wonder who messaged us, what e-mails we got, what others posted on social media. All we want is that input and hit of dopamine first thing in the morning. I know. I used to do it all the time. But when we run through the first scenario, we don’t even feel the need to get on our phones in the first place. The understanding is that whatever is on there isn’t urgent. And it certainly isn’t as important as what really matters to us.
I have my phone on airplane mode when I wake up so I’m focused on the people in my life. I leave my phone behind when I know I don’t need it. I don’t put my headphones on when I’m walking. I make sure to never pull my phone out of my pocket when I’m with someone if it is on me. My phone is always on silent so I pursue that hit of dopamine. I talk with whomever I meet on the elevator. And I understand social discomfort is part of the process for deep connection.
We have to go through those uncomfortable and sometimes vulnerable moments with others. Because those are small windows of opportunity to connect to someone. If we find small satisfaction from using our technology to fill those up, then we’ll never get the deep fulfillment from the relationships we have. And that’s a misuse of technology the manufacturer can never fix.
